Realizations

Wow! It's been awhile since I last blogged. I have made a lot of changes in my life that have been God directed and prayerfully entered into. I began by dealing with the constant stress I felt in my life that made me feel rushed and as if I wasn't really listening to anyone... especially my children. It came to a head when my oldest said, "Mommy, I miss you." Yet she hadn't been apart from me other than school. I realized that I was spending a lot of time working... but then I got really honest with myself and realized how much time I wasted helping other people that seemed to only be manipulating me to do such for their own benefit. I love to help people, but God has taught me that I need to protect my family first and foremost. When you help someone that genuinely needs it and because God has directed you do so, you feel joy... not as if you have just been robbed of your joy. I began a conversation with God about what should find its way out of my life. First, those who spitefully use me... people who prided themselves in not being someone who hurt others or used people turned out to be just that. I look back and realize how little I got from some relationships and it hurts. Not that I should seek benefit from others, but that relationships should be about giving a little on both sides in the hopes of helping each other along the way. I poured so much of myself into some others and so little into my family. The decision to get that out of my life seemed easy, but when you are someone who never wants to hurt others, it took some warming up to the idea before I took action. Again, God took time to make it evident to me that I was doing right by bringing more and more issues to the mirror for me concerning those who didn't have my best interest at heart... those who claimed love but yet didn't even realize what I was or wasn't capable of doing in our relationships. It always hurts to find out that someone could believe the worse about you without even giving it a second thought... To someone like me that hurts the confidence. I believed that if someone could think that about me, then I must really be an awful person. Praise God for an awesome husband, great friend, amazing mother, and patient God! I realized that I am not the worse that some people choose to believe about me and I should NEVER take something like that and own it... it should be thrown out as soon as it falls on my ears.

Since the beginning of this particular journey with God, I have spent so much more time helping my family grow in God. I have given up significant time on the phone each day. My daughter now hears me talk to her when I pick her up in the afternoon instead of hearing the tail end of a conversation with someone else on the phone. I now give myself a little more time to edit my photographs for clients. I still pretty much get them done in the same amount of time, but if my girls want to go have a picnic in the front yard, we do so without me stressing about deadlines. Now I have date nights on the couch watching a favorite TV show or movie with my hubby as opposed to trying to catch up on work because I was too preoccupied during the day to get my edits done for that day. I am working on a daily schedule which is constantly changing due to new activities and school being out. We want to be able to allow me time raising our children, but still run this awesome business that God blessed me with.

God has really blessed me with amazing children who love me despite my faults and despite my struggles. The past two years, I have taken my eyes off of who really matters... my eyes are now directed toward my family and the kingdom of God. I don't pretend to be perfect on this blog. I try to stay very transparent. And I believe if we were all honest, we would see how we have used people for our own gain. I also believe that if we evaluated how much time we spend really listening to our children, we would be in shock. Time yourself one day... just the times you are totally engaged with your child with no distractions. Unless you are super mom or have been through what God has been teaching me lately, I would say that number is small. It is a total shame. I cried for such a long time when this came to me... thank you God that stuff is out of my life that caused me to put my home last. I still have a way to go and a lot of things to weed out of my life, but I feel like each day I get to take deeper and deeper breaths. My stress level has dropped. I am off of anxiety meds. My TMJ issues are a lot less bothersome. I had a lot of people try to offer me advice while I dealt with a lot of events the past two years. None of them compared to what I knew would be best... God holding my hand as he walked me through my life. It was as if He was allowing me to look down on myself and see the big picture of what was happening at little moments in my life. And I have realized what things have stressed me. I have realized that people are cruel. I have realized that people gossip. I have realized that people manipulate. I have realized that it's alright to let go.... but... I have realized that their are some people who love me. I have realized that a sweet comment from a friend hours away can make my day because I know they truly mean it and have no ulterior motive. I have realized who cares. I have realized that 20 minutes with my girls is better than any one hour conversation with someone. I have realized that laughing with my husband can make a smile stay for hours. I have realized who really needs my help and where God wants to me to focus my gifts. I have realized that God is by far the best father, protector, provider, and friend I will ever have. He is my everything and I am His. We are on an amazing journey together... raising a family, being a wife, loving my job, and serving His kingdom. He is SO good to me!