Want Him Here

I am simply having a hard time functioning lately... so many things that I don't want to think about right now. When I went to my grandmother's the other day to help her put up her Christmas tree, I kept thinking about my wonderful grandfather who typically got all the decorations out for us. I wanted to call his name in so many statements. I even found myself sitting down one time, waiting for him to bring another box in... only to realize I had to go get them this year. I miss him so much! I want Christmas so bad for my kids, but it seems I just keep putting off getting the last list of things done... because if I get them done, then I have to go to Christmas at my grandmother's and not see him there. Yes, I want to be with my family... but it's so hard not to ask where he is or to go see if he's on the porch sitting in his usual spot. It's hard to hear my kids talk about him as if he is still here. I guess I'm just a little selfish tonight and I really want him here! I don't want him hurting like he was when he got sick... I just want him here. It's okay that I just want him here, isn't it? (Although, I know he's lovin' hanging out with Jesus right now!)