My Problems....so little....

I've been meaning to blog lately about all the feelings and frustrations I have been having. And I'm still going to, I'm just hoping to make myself realize how truly blessed I am... to make you realize how blessed you are.

Ok, I have only a few people who I tell all my problems to... and honestly, they don't hear as much as God does. Here is what I have been facing... (Promise I need no pity party, just need to make these points to get to my next one...which is good!)

1- Feeling worthless. I have put way to much emphasis on my successes equaling my self worth. Just because I don't book this week doesn't mean I am worth nothing. I can honestly say that I have learned this week that it just means God thinks I am worth a lot and has my back. Sessions during some weeks would be something else for sure! Just because I don't get everything on my list accomplished each day doesn't mean I failed. Sometimes it means that I deemed holding my baby girls in my arms as more important than processing pictures. That is not failing... that is grabbing all the precious moments I possibly can with my girls before they are all grown... that is success. I tell myself each day that I am a princess of the Most High God. I AM WORTHY!

2- I recently went out of my comfort zone and emailed/talked to several who have called on me from time to time to lay out business goals, give nothing short of photography and editing lessons, and so much more. I decide to no longer mentor anyone. Why? Well, it goes against my good nature. I want to help everyone and I LOVE teaching this business. But when it started to be painful and actually hinder my own business I stood up for myself. Was this decision easy? No. Did it hurt people's feelings? Probably. Did I feel better? No. Not when I did it, but I know my stress will be lower and I will no longer feel used when I see my ideas used immediately after I just used them... or even better, I will feel so much better knowing that people are going to have to learn the real art and business of photography on their own. I hate when people call themselves a photographer but refuse to learn the skills and technology needed to be a "true" photographer. It makes me feel as if I am helping my fellow photogs and the reputation I have noticed us having lately. What is that reputation? Well, when people ask my occupation, I get responses like "Ain't everybody in Tennessee a photographer?" Makes me furious! Do they know how many, many hours I have put into learning over the past 7+ years? When my kids go to bed, I learn. This is serious to me and I just don't think I can take pictures because I have a halfway nice camera. I am putting my foot down. You really have to impress me for me to give you advice now days. And guess what I don't stress about people using me in that way anymore. Ahhh... deep breath taken.

3- Feeling deadlines breathing down my neck... makes me shiver. I hate being late and I have been doing a lot of it lately. I think that God is trying to continue His lesson that I am not in control. I'm learning God... slowly, but I am learning!

4- Stress! I think based on the previous 3, it goes without saying that I am stressed. But here's something very few know about. I have struggled with anxiety and stress and panic probably my whole life, but it's been documented for the past 11 years. I take a mild dosage of anti-anxiety medication for generalized anxiety disorder. Do I think that this means I am going to hell or that I don't have enough faith? No. In fact, I have been in a few church services in my days in which some of the very ministers who may read this blog have said things like, "You don't need some drug to make your mind right. You just need Jesus." I agree I just need Jesus. But Jesus gave doctors wisdom for a reason. Does this mean I haven't prayed for a healing? No. I have prayed and do pray, but for now I know that it is me who has to have a drug in order to not have a panic attack each day. So, the next time you criticise someone who takes it, THINK! My disorder isn't because of what someone did in my childhood or something evil I did. I have a medically proven imbalance of serotonin in my brain. All in all the stress is getting me right now. But God is opening my eyes to ways to handle it better. Making me appreciate the blessing of a chest that breaths easy and a mind that doesn't race even more than if I just had an instant healing. Has this been easy? No. But I realize why God is taking me through it and I know what Satan is fighting me more and more... because I am getting closer to the realizations that God has for my life.

5 - TMJ just... well, sucks for lack of better word. Obviuosly somewhat related to the above mentioned stress. EVERYDAY I live with ringing in my ears and pain in my ears and face. Some days I have horrible headaches just like migraines just minus the vomitting. It is a horrible thing to live with. I am struggling to find doctors to help with this. My chriopractor has worked wonders though... LOVE you Dr. Holt.

6 - Am I a good Mommy? I will never be what I think I should be. I want to just be half as good as my mother was. I don't have much to say on this because I have just accepted that I will most always have this question in my head... I think it means I AM a good Mommy that I care enough to ask that question and evaluate myself for my children's sake.

7 - A variety of other things... Aging grandparents, missing grandparents, running a business, finding time for God (I hate that term, but I must get better at it really), listening to friends, etc.

Ok, to the real point that I wanted to make... I thought of all these things and so much more lately that I wanted to blog about. I don't know if I thought that laying it all out there for the world would make me feel better or what. But this morning I woke up to a mess. Emails, things not done right, and banks closed just made for a rough morning. Then I scrolled down my facebook news feed to see that one of my really good friends had some horrible news. Her daughter is just over a month old and has pnuemonia. She is on a ventilator. She found her blue and limp this morning. My morning didn't start off too bad then did it? I had a reality check. Yes, people are stealing my copyrighted pictures today,... and yes, Reagan pooped a little in her panties... and yes, I couldn't go to the bank... BUT my babies are safe. God you are way too good! I have prayed all day for baby Caroline. And I have thanked God for what Baby Caroline has taught me today. That even on my crummiest day, it is better than someone else's. Put your problems into perspective. Your kids may scream. Your hubby may be working long hours like mine. You may meed to get errands done but stuff just keeps happening. BUT you don't have to be where my friend Marie is right now. I have been there. It's the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. To see your baby so sick. I learned this lesson once and I will learn it many more times. That while my problems are still important and mean something to God, they are still far less important than someone else's.