Behold, I am here, Lord.

In high school and college, I would tear through my Bible with wild abandonment.... I had the time, I had the passion. Jesus was my best friend! I had VERY few people that I could call a real friend and honestly spent most of high school hanging out with adults. But today, I praise God for something that most people wouldn't.... I praise God that I had very few friends, that I had the time... and that I poured myself into reading His word. BECAUSE, here I sit today, busy as can be. Two amazing children to raise, a wonderful husband to spend life with, a business to run, a home to take care of, bills to pay, family members to take care of, etc. I sat in church on Sunday and thought about how little time I get to spend tearing through my Bible with wild abandonment, taking it all in. And when I did, I thought of scripture that God made my motto all through high school and college. "...Behold, I am here, Lord." - Acts 9:10

What stuck out to me then was that Ananias went to lay hands on Saul even though he was afraid of what Saul could do to him. I was impressed that he laid aside his fear and ran to do the work of the Lord. As you can imagine, I was probably a lot more timid than I am now. I had a hard time standing up for myself, let alone standing up for God to someone who could choose to kill me. Ananias was a super hero to me.

But what sticks out to me today with all these responsibilities surrounding me is that as soon as God said his name, Ananias's immediate response was, "Behold, I am here, Lord." He didn't say, "Hold that thought while I get this email out!" or "Hang on, I gotta go get groceries." He simply said, without hesitation, "Behold, I am here, Lord." HERE I AM!!!! What do you need? Yes, he hesitated a little when the job description was given, but he was still at God's beckoning call.

Today, Ananias is my super hero for another reason. He is reminding me that my answer should always be, "Behold, I am here, Lord." Ananias could have simply ignored God. But instead he chose greatness. He chose to hear God, to follow God, to put Him first above all other things. He chose to change history with His main man, God. Ananias chose to go to Saul and lay hands on him so that he could receive his sight. So basically, Ananias was God's front man to helping the start-up of Paul's ministry. How many times have we put God off until he has chosen another vessel to help achieve amazing things?

I'm taking this to heart. I say it all the time, "God, family......" But too often it's God that is last. I want to be a part of the awesomeness that God is! I want to tear through his word hearing from Him. I want to be the one that God can call on to get things done when he wants, not when there's time.

"Behold, I am here, Lord."

What a Day!

I learned a lot today.

(I write this not for advice or solutions, but to let it out - to process what I learned today in hopes it might help one of you by my being transparent.)

It was an absolutely frustrating day from the very beginning... I'm talking like 2am. It just continued throughout the day. I'm so frustrated with myself. I'm frustrated with some of my choices. I'm frustrated with my lack of faith. I'm frustrated to think that I have been scared to death to lose friends so easily like I have in the past. (But praise God, the friendships in my life that matter are God given right now and aren't going anywhere.... I learned that today!) I'm frustrated with what is going on with Reagan's little tummy. I am frustrated that my grandmother has to deal with the things she does as she grieves. I am frustrated that my daddy has to deal with what he does. I am frustrated that my husband works everyday so hard and we still struggle... and the gas prices don't help... So I'm frustrated with gas prices, too! I am frustrated with my business plan. I am frustrated with my inability to be able to get down and play with my children more often. I am frustrated with the state of my home right now... it doesn't know what it was like when it was clean all the time. I'm frustrated that I can't help people like I want to. And so much more....

And, honestly, I laid on the couch and moped for a long time today. And then God does what He does so well, and started opening doors for me. I got three phone calls today and some emails. Booked some great stuff and quoted some others. I had a nice heart to heart with a friend. I had a nice heart to heart with my husband. And sitting on the verge of climbing my mountain to get out of this valley, I realize a lot...

I realize that I'm blessed to have been able to make some of the choices I have been able to make - like stay at home to raise my kids even though it wasn't easy! I realize I have faith, I'm just vulnerable right now and I'm fighting the enemy... which then made me realize that God must think I'm something or I wouldn't have so much to fight against. I realized that God placed some amazing people and family in my life. I realized that even though Reagan has tummy problems, I have two sweet baby girls that God gave me to love. I realized that my grandmother and our entire family was blessed to have had this man, Paddy Paw to love. I realize that my daddy is so patient and lets God radiate to others like I have never even come close to doing. I realized I am blessed to have a husband who does work hard everyday to provide for us. I realized that I am blessed to have a business doing what I love no matter how profitable it is or isn't, it's what I love. I realized today that this reality check got me thinking and I went outside and played hide-n-seek with my girls... I realized I have some great kids that I should spend more time playing with than trying to provide for sometimes. I realized that I am blessed, so blessed, to have a house to get dirty! I realized because of some amazing people's words, that I do help people more than I realize.

My plan for tomorrow is to hold my head up high and praise God! “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:18 KJV No matter how bad I see it as being... my God has my back. I don't know how it will work out, but He always makes it work out... even when I feel alone. Tomorrow I will praise God! Tomorrow I will put into action my faith. Tomorrow I will be grateful for what I do have. Tomorrow I will have hope for a better future.

But my plan for tonight is to breath in the love of God that surrounds me. To love Him. To seek Him. My plan for tonight is to let Him hug me all night as I sleep. My plan for tonight is let God heal my hurting heart. To let God grab my hand and pull me out of this funk I have been in since this fall. My plan is to let myself grieve a little tonight - to cry if I need to. I have far more to be thankful for than I have want of. I have a grandfather in Heaven with Jesus and a great group of family and friends surrounding me here on earth. Thank you God for your love for me even when I feel so inadequate and when I have pity parties. Thank you for helping me realize that I have been missing out on life lately. That the joys you have put in front of me, I have missed because I have been hurting so badly.

God taught me a lot today. I don't ever want to forget it! My life is in His hands... I have to let go of what I think I can fix on my own and hold tight to the one who can fix everything... He saved my soul from condemnation.

Rom 15:13 (Phi) "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in your faith, that by the power of the Holy Spirit, your whole life and outlook may be radiant with hope."